What Larry Craig might consider doing to save his, well, manhood

Hi, I’m Larry Craig. You know me. I’m a leading Republican Senator from the wonderful potato producing state of Idaho (mention potatoes here since it‘s a bread basket issue every mother thinks is important, you know, food? Don’t tell them you haven’t purchased potatoes in so long you cannot recall what they look like or how much they cost each).

As you all know, as a Republican I can be trusted to tell the truth (fail to add a link with GWB, since right now that would be like riding the devil’s coattails into the horror of political obscurity. And leave out Newt, Rush, and well, you get the idea).

But like any average American with nothing to hide, when confronted with an undercover police officer sitting in a stall at the local, or not, airport, I get nervous, and stare through the crack to try to let them know I‘m okay. I don’t know what it is about undercover cops, but they kinda scare me. I guess I’m just a little boy at heart, hahahaha.

So when I sat in the stall next to him, I spread my legs wide apart to ward off the potential of a confrontation. I know, I said I have a wide stance, but when nervous I make errors. There, I’ve said it.

And then when I glanced down after dropping a little corner from the toilet paper I tore loose, I couldn’t help myself. I had to pick it up. My mother taught me to be neat and I’ll admit that I’m a little compulsive too.

While leaning over, I noticed that the undercover cop’s shoe lace was untied. I had to notify him. If I don‘t, I wondered, how will I feel if he trips and breaks his neck? So I rubbed my middle finger along the bottom of the stall divider. I only used that finger because I was hesitant to use a finger I might need when I finished doing my business to clean up the spray, I mean, well, you know.

And the next thing I know, I’m being arrested for horrible deeds I would never dream of committing. God help me, I’m a Republican and we never sin! I read the Ten Commandments every single night, well except when I have a special friend over to the lakeside cabin and then God knows I mean it then too.

After the local newspaper confronted me about getting arrested for behaving in a way no God fearing Republican man would consider, I panicked and pled guilty to a crime I didn’t commit either. Please forgive me. Take me under the lapels of the Republican coat, and save my from myself.

‘Cause I wanna be trusted again. Larry Craig, your friend.