New GOP Plan to Fight Terrorism

BREAKING NEWS!

A Southern Republican U.S. Senator has devised a plan to make certain no other Underwear Bomber ever again boards a commercial airliner traveling to or within the United States of America.

His original bill stated that no person male or female, young or old, be allowed to board any plane destined for any United States airport while wearing any underwear. He considered this an idea of extreme brilliance. No underwear, no place to hide a bomb.

However, his Christian Right Tea Bagger constituents immediately rejected his plan. Their leaders proclaimed that not wearing underwear would, well, undermine the support they needed to hold aloft the fifty or more pounds of jelly-like body fat they earned by just being God-fearing Americans who hated the poor and labor unions.

Furthermore, they screamed in his face, "Jesus in His Sermon on the Etiquette stated that by not wearing underwear one would be condemned in the eyes of God Himself to eternal damnation and forced to shovel feces for Satan in the Pits of Hell."

Once confronted by this viral opposition, the noble southern U.S. Senator declared that a better and more acceptable solution would be that all airline passengers be required to don glitter string thongs before boarding.

Dressing rooms would be set aside for those who could not afford this luxury. There they could don the thong provided for them by the TSA, which they would be required to turn in at their destination.

The Chinese Corporations, backed by Corporate America's finest, manufacturers of most of the world's heavily cadmium laced glitter thongs, praised and exalted the senator's bill.

Immediately, the Chinese pumped millions of Yen into the senator's reelection war chest through dummy corporations they'd previously established while struggling to block Google from spreading the lies of Freedom of Speech.

The Southern U.S. Senator's homeboy corporate sponsors, well aware that a string thong could not, would not hold back their seventy plus pounds of jiggle -- per person -- were stymied and threw their weight, err support, behind their Guru, the senior Walton of Walmart, demanding that the great Walton family do something, anything to fix their dilemma.

Seeing the glitter of new opportunity, the board of directors dropped the prices on all styles of underwear, except, of course, glitter thongs, which they purchased as quickly as the cadmium poisoned Chinese nine-dollars-a-day workers mass produced them.

Next, thought the Southern U.S. Senator, the White House. Oh, Glory Be to God!